So... As you see this is a vent for me... I am NOT okay... I haven't been okay for the last year since the drama around Shadow Teal started... I've been a mess. My sleeping was always off... but during that drama.. my sleeping got worse.. I barely slept much daily if at all... I'd isolate... I'd barely eat or overeat... I was proven to have Clinical Depression in February.. So not only am I ALWAYS depressed, mostly no reason... To top anxiety and paranoia of things happening to those I love has gotten to me.... We all know the dramas between Ice Cinder etc., Shadow Teal, and of course my former 'Master', whom Im no longer friends with. The whole year has been a total shitfest both Online AND Offline. Back in January my mom lost her job and got shoulder surgery on the 2nd of February.. We've had money issues the last two years and so her losing her job was the worst thing possible... We've been barely scrapping by with what money we have to afford food and the bills, we barely have enough left for property taxes (Which is $900 last I checked.) and (Mortgage Which is $1200 last I checked.)... We got food stamps and for just one month... not even $900 barely got us through the month... It's been difficult with drama after drama online... struggling in real life... and to top the whole fucking cake of this shit feast... Jordan, someone who I care deeply for as a great friend and a son... commits suicide and passed away on August 19th... and then just little over a month after his death... I find one of my grandmothers... the one on my dad's side... whom I've basically hated 12+ years of my life over... because she did abuse to me when I was visiting alone for two summers when I was 7 and 8... passed away... There are voices in my head constantly banging at me... telling me how Im so pathetic and stupid, and calling me names and just generally telling me to go fuck myself and die.... Telling me I don't deserve what I have or what I get or the love I get to even feel... People I loved and trusted turned their backs or ignored me or left me alone... Some who try to get me to talk but I end up ghosting and ignoring... I've been snappy and moody and I've only kept my pelt pressed against the closest of friends that I have and recently tried to branch out and accept new people into my life... But since Jordan's death the voices got stronger... Each day I stare at my medication and think to myself "What would happen if I downed all these bottles" and "Nobody is gonna miss me."... The only things keeping me from it is the people who have supported me throughout this year... through Jordan and my grandmother's death... If it weren't for these guys I'd probably tried an overdose suicide attempt the moment I heard Jordan died... I need to come out with this... I can't keep it in... I've bottled all of this for literally all year and Im at my breaking point... Im done hiding... I hate the idea of seeking help because I know it will never work... I don't trust those in real life to help me... That's why I look to those online for the support... To give me a shoulder and help me through it. Thank you everyone for watching and reading my Vent. Im sorry this was sprung on randomly but I felt it was time to let it go... I can't hold it in.. To those on Discord who helped me through what has been happening, Thank you so fucking much, I love you all so much as my friends and even as family!! ... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6nMBVoymK4

FUCKING SHIT WAS TERRIFYING MAN!! ... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1aRf5Odl7o

Programs Used: Sony Studio Maker, MS Paint Site: http://sirisola.chatlands.com/login/i... Users: WolfOfTheStars(Me), Bittertaste, Brambleheart(Volunteered for just one small appearance to work with one spot before she had to leave again.) Song: Fallen Angel by Three Days Grace ... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1gdfhgPnHc

... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hWO6KyRidk