Some women find it really hard to really KNOW whether they want kids or not. They think they don't but they're just not sure if it's the fear talking.
In this video I help you to think this one through. It's not clear cut that's for sure, but there are clues that can help you to figure out how you truly feel.
Today’s podcast is all about the maternal brain and the neuroscience of pregnancy, birth, postpartum and parenting.
A few months back I shared an article about the maternal brain on my Facebook page and it went a bit nuts. It’s since been shared over 40 times which is unprecedented for my Facebook page. It also received tons of comments, many of which were saying how the article helped them to better understand what they were going through. So I knew I had to cover this topic on the podcast.
I reached out to the expert that was quoted in the article, Jodi Pawluski, and was thrilled when she agreed to come on the podcast to talk about all things maternal brain.
Jodi Pawluski is a perinatal mental health expert and Research Associate at the University of Rennes in France. Her research aims to promote maternal mental health: enhancing the health and well-being of both the mother and child. Her research focus is to determine the behavioral and neurobiological processes underlying maternal mental illness and use this information to improve mental health in women during the perinatal period. In other words, she knows a thing or two about the maternal brain!
The Maternal Brain
During our conversation, Jodi talks about
the changes that are happening to our brain during pregnancy and how it’s an important evolution for becoming a new parent
how we have new brain circuitry coming online that provides us with the ability to tune into our infant by enabling us to experience a feeling of reward from our child and a feeling of attachment
changes to the mood and emotions during pregnancy
the role of the environment on the maternal brain aka “pregnancy brain”
how quickly a mother can tune into her infant
Anxiety in pregnancy is currently estimated to affect around 15% of women. Through my work in supporting women in preparing for birth and pregnancy, anxiety is something that I see a lot and, dare I say, I think the numbers are probably higher.
When women are feeling fearful around aspects of their pregnancy or birth it can trigger feelings of anxiety, but these feelings are known to fluctuate through pregnancy. Anxiety in pregnancy has been shown to peak in both the first and the third trimester
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How anxiety in pregnancy affects birth outcomes
From the evidence available (2) we know that pregnancy anxiety not only affects pregnant women’s health but also has an impact on labour outcomes. Anxiety in pregnancy can affect the likelihood of things such as
preterm delivery
prolonged labour
caesarean birth,
low birth weight
When you combine these potential outcomes with those that may arise as a result of fear, it’s clear that helping women to deal with fear and anxiety in pregnancy needs to be an important focus if we’re to improve birth outcomes for women.
I’ve been supporting women in overcoming their fear for many years now, particularly those with tokophobia, and I’ve enjoyed some incredible success rates. Success rates that are apparently impossible.
I was once told off on Twitter by a midwife specialising in tokophobia for suggesting that it’s possible to overcome tokophobia. “… [I] shouldn’t raise women’s hopes like that because they can’t. They just end up having c-sections.”. That may well be the case, but a positive c-section birth experience that is empowering for the woman is a world apart from the c-section that the woman dreads and feels anxious and terrified throughout.
That’s when I realised that I needed to get some evidence behind my Fearless Birthing method. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to get birth professionals and healthcare providers to take my work seriously. And that in turn would limit the women able to benefit from the success I’m achieving reducing strong fears and anxieties.
So, that’s what I set out to do.
How to tell if you know a woman with tokophobia
Tokophobia is the extreme fear of pregnancy and birth. It’s not very well known and yet it can affect a lot of women. This extreme or pathological fear of birth is estimated to affect between 4 and 43% of women. 14% is an accepted estimate. So you see, a lot more common than you might think.
Sadly, many women with tokophobia avoid pregnancy despite being desperate to be mothers. But that doesn’t mean you won’t come across it.
Some women only realise they have tokophobia once they’re pregnant.
Up until that point, they might feel that “I’m just not maternal” or “I don’t like kids” which is something you hear a lot. However, both of these are typical comments made by women with tokophobia. It is simply their fear speaking.
Of course, there are also many women who simply don’t want kids who say these things. But it’s possible that when a woman says she doesn’t want kids that her fear is clouding her judgement, or that her true feelings are buried beneath the fear. Once she has overcome her tokophobia, she may very well change her mind. I’ve seen this a lot with the women I’ve worked with.
In fact, it was something that I used to say all the time. I recently met up with some people who I’d not seen for ten years and both of them told me how they would never have imagined that I would have had kids; they thought I didn’t want any! Well, that changed once I’d overcome my fears.
Why it’s important to know if a woman has tokophobia
It can be easy to shrug this phobia off as silly or irrational, but doing that is missing the point. Many women with tokophobia don’t see this fear as irrational. You can actually die in childbirth: that’s something worth fearing. Compare that to claustrophobia; being trapped in an enclosed space is not known to be fatal.
The fact is, a woman with tokophobia would love a bit of kindness and understanding about how she’s feeling. Having tokophobia can feel incredibly isolating because people don’t understand and are quick to judge. Here’s one woman’s experience of sharing how she felt;
I just explained that I suffer from tokophobia and I was looking for some positive encouragement, maybe some stories from people who had been through it and could tell me some positive things. What I got instead was the nastiest group of mean girls I’ve encountered in a very long time. Seriously, these women jumped all over me. The pitchforks immediately came out. It was seriously upsetting!
I hope that by sharing this, that you can better understand what they’re experiencing. If you have a wife or partner is tokophobic then maybe this post will help to explain things that you may have observed in your relationship. If you have friends who you suspect might have tokophobia then maybe this post will help you to better understand them.
In this episode I dive into the 7 signs.
The one idea that inspired and motivated me when I started working in the birth and pregnancy space was this: the birth moment is a sacred one that has ripple effect that impacts so many people.
The moment of birth creates a ripple that affects many
Birth doesn't just affect the mother and the baby being born, it affects the father and/or the mother's partner too. And it affects the professionals present; the midwives, the doctors or OB-GYNs, the consultants, the doulas, and the nurses.
But it doesn't stop there. Depending on how the birth goes, it will will also affect the baby's siblings, and other family members.
Then there's the life of the baby as he or she grows up. Our births create an emotional blueprint that we carry with us our whole lives. Our fears, our patterns of behaviour, our stresses and our anxieties are all rooted in our birth experience. If we experienced a traumatic birth, then this will affect in all sorts of mysterious ways as our fears and traumas play out.
I say 'mysterious' because many people don't realise that they struggles they are afflicted with as adults probably have their roots in their birth experience. The WAY we are born - c-cection, vaginal birth, ventouse etc - can impact us too, as I've covered already quite a bit on the podcast. Anna Verwahl has done incredible work in this area if you're interested in finding out more.
If, as a baby, we experience our birth as challenging or traumatic then as adults we might not go on to have children as our trauma creates fears or phobias in us. In my work supporting women in overcoming tokophobia, for many of my clients the trauma of their arrival in the world is often the trauma that is at the root of their phobia.
The moment of birth has far-reaching consequences. And it's for this reason that I want to help people to improve the chances or that moment being as wonderful as possible.
Birth is sacred
You see, when you take a closer look, the moment of birth is a sacred one. But it's not simply because it affects so many. It's because it is the creation of life. It's the moment when we exist for the first time outside of our mother and it carries such potency. The first time we look into our babies eyes is a powerful moment that can stay with you forever. Those first few hours with your baby can be like nothing you've ever experienced. But sadly, these are experiences that can be missing for those whose births are difficult.
When a birth experience is a difficult one, the impact of this is far-reaching and does not only affect the mother and child. The father or partner is affected, as are the professionals present. And so the ripple expands. By focusing our energy on preparing to create the space for a wonderful birth experience to take place, we are creating the possibility for lots of people to benefit in important ways from this one birth.
Conscious preparation is not just for mothers-to-be
But this conscious preparation is not limited to the mother-to-be, although she can often feel like it's all on her shoulders. The father or partner also needs to be part of this, and while they might know that, it might not always be immediately obvious HOW they can support the mother.
If this is you - wondering how you can best support your partner as you prepare for the arrival of your baby - then this interview is a must listen.
In this interview I chat with Souvereign who helps dads to prepare for the arrival of their baby. During this conversation Souvereign shares;
- how his experience of the arrival of his first child made him decide to do things differently for his second
- how he views birth and its sacred nature
practical ways on how men can support their partners during pregnancy
- his experience on being asked to cut the cord made him feel
- his fascinating perspective on the cutting of the cord and why we need to wait as long as possible
- why he is a strong advocate of natural birth
Souvereign can be reached @syntropicwisdomacademy
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My book on how to clear your pregnancy and birth fears ? https://fearless-birthing.com/book/
For support in overcoming tokophobia ? https://fearless-birthing.com/work-with-me/
My online birth prep classes ? https://fearless-birthing.com/birth-prep-classes/