This was made in the week of the ice storm in April 2018 and I had an audition to go to. We had to sing all 4 songs chosen for us and this was one of them. 1. Beyonce “Love On Top” I failed epically and it was really fun to go to and a good learning experience. But also embarrassing in the wrong kind of outfit. I felt so embarrassed since it was supposed to be more jeans and a t-shirt kind of thing. Its crazy to think, looking back on this, how hard I was on myself when all of us girls were beautiful in our own unique way. I compared myself way too much. When I got home I cheered myself up by recording videos for all of these songs to remember all the practicing in the moment and how I pushed myself to try something new and out of my comfort zone. When I filmed “Love On Top”, out of all four videos, I felt way too precocious wearing just the dress, so I put the cardigan on since I felt this song would be giving off sexual vibes somehow to my youtube viewers? Its crazy how I thought this was “sl^tty” to post when it looks fine and just like I’m having fun, which I am!!! This kind of sexual shaming/brainwashing (that I felt back then) is not healthy and if you look around the world there is so much worse out there. Its the kind of brainwashing where the girl is told to wear a sweater and snow pants to cover up her attraction just in case it garners a glance…or the kind that men are told not to even talk or look towards a woman or they will be ‘yelled at’ by their girlfriends. Think about it! Men used to take their hats off to women and even kiss their hands as greetings in older times…and that would not be considered wrong or overtly sexual, but wearing a dress and feeling excited and happy in Grace is? Nowadays if a man dares look at a woman too long its considered incorrect! All of this goes back to some sort of narcissistic manipulative control over the genders and is NOT natural or healthy. Both genders should be naturally expressive. I felt like such a ho wearing a knee-length dress and high heels all alone to an audition with 5 guys in a band. But why? What is so criminal about dressing feminine and feeling pretty and happy? It almost is like a crime nowadays to feel naturally inherently masculine or naturally feminine based on our genders. That, and its a crime to also feel or show any kind of Graceful (Christ) attraction or natural excitement towards something! I want to be a voice for the oppressed and not to shame or blame anyone. If this has happened to you, just know I understand too and hopefully this video can free and unite us. I say we should not mute how we feel and we should express ourselves even if that means "the sheep dog will bark at us to get back in our fenced-off pens". Let's be a little naughty (with Grace!) and rebel against these control rules. I felt so ashamed of sexuality and natural attraction back then, even though there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling attracted and feeling true love towards a person! Its a beautiful thing that should be expressed more. During filming this, I actually felt so numb. It was 'hard work' to do all these bubbly moves when usually it was easy for me to go crazy jumping and wiggling on camera. I felt like cement was in my veins and I was turning into stone slowly with depression. You can kind of see the heartbreak in my eyes, even though I push through to that narrow path of 5% love that was still there. It took me 3 years to post this trio of songs and I’m ready to rock out with all of you lol! Dance and express along with me in this bubbly cover, everyone! Also (I’m being hard on myself again) I know I’ve got a lot of missed/off words, pitchiness, voice cracking and sang this in my head voice. I am not trying to compete with my vocals because I’m not perfect but I did try my best on this and had loads of fun dancing to this exciting song! Which is why I am so ready to post this now. This was the original audio recording from 2018 that I did before the audition! I just had fun with it and went crazy, which is awesome - you can even hear my noisy heater in the background lol. Thanks for watching, Tanya ... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97uQVJUzBd8