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24 Jan 2024 07:30:39 UTC
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May 19 visions (part 4): abuse, restriction, child trafficking, rock n' roll
00:04 Thinking about how I thought about L.S.D. in 1988 - the idea of Jimi Hendrix using LSD to see if it helps you learn to play guitar - my dad's books on LSD experiments in the 1950s & early 1960s - they were trying to find out if you could learn stuff (like a language) extra fast using LSD. Or if it helps with art, understanding, etc. Thse books may have been linked to CIA/MKULTRA (at least the experiments themselves probably were). While "m thinking about this, St. Vincent "Los Ageless" comes into my head again. We just saw her perform on Austin City Limits. She sings "How could anybody have you and lose you and not lose their mind too?" She seems at one point to sing this to her guitar, though "you" is coded as "u-turn" (turn around the Game / crime) an d then the people addicted to this game who don't want to lose it. But in truth I don't know how to understand or forgive the betrayal of my parents, especially my mother, with regards to the guitar. What kind of parents know that there is a dream you have and could potentially achieve, then do everything they can to sabotage that dream? But there is a lot I don't undersatnd as far as their cruelty and deception. I only think it can be understood as a trauma response on my mom's part - maybe also my dad. My dad seems to be in chains to his addiction (alcoholism) and now medically as well. My dad was - seemed - oblivious but he also did not encourage me to aim high, professionally. Like when I wanted to do web development, he acted like I didn't have it in me - that my brother would be good at it, but not me, which is also what my mom said about music. So it really looks like, to them, I was seen as a means to something else - not as a person who deserved to be fully actualized or successful. I think my mom was "designed" for this - craving the ability to manage and control the lives of others. There were many possible points of departure into a better place between 1984 and 1991 - especially in the 1980s - and active efforts to sabotage any chance I had for taking the correct path or even finding stability. A person has only one life to live. It doesn't make sense for your closest family members to try and sabotage you. How do you make sense of it?

05:33 a series of visions that I think relate to sexual abuse, trafficking, and abusive behavior control techniques enacted by hospitals.

09:57 Vision of my guitar books, papers, chord chards, etc spread out (1970s) and our modern day metal butter dish right in the center of them.

13:49 This English guy is giving me advice (re: guitar?). He says "learn the 14th century." I see he has a silver diamond-shaped ring on his right pointer finger.
...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDHLuu7ejOA
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